Why I’m So Exhausted Right Now

I’m tired right now and it’s not because I’m working too hard, not getting enough down-time, or indulging enough guilty pleasures. Because, maybe like you, I am home quite a lot and resting more than I would like. I am still working but it’s woven into my time doing everything else and the days become blurry. Kind of like December 26th when I’m never quite sure if it’s still Christmas or almost New Year’s. It’s an in-between time – in between what was before mid-March for most of us and what-the-fuck will be when this is ‘over’ and we don’t even know what over looks like. Yet.

Humans have rarely had to manage so much psychic overwhelm and ambiguity on a global level – not in this century. We came close on 9/11 but even then, the overwhelm likely didn’t come right to your very own doorstep and threaten your personal well-being in such a tangible ‘breaking news’ sort of way.

I think back to the Los Angeles riots. I lived here in LA during those turbulent days and was sent home from the university. My hometown was locked down; only residents with proof of residency could enter. That seemed crazy.

Still, this seems crazier.

So here we are, friends. I don’t have all the answers. But I can tell you I’m right here with you, breathing through and into the unknown, doing my best to be a source of comfort and to support my friends, family, and employees by managing my anxiety and transmuting the darkness as it creeps up from behind. Right now, it’s exhausting – and most of what is exhausting isn’t even what you’re consciously aware of. What is exhausting are the behind-the-scenes thoughts of what the other side of this experience will look like. I have kids so I’m also managing not only my subconscious anxiety but theirs. No birthday party, no graduation. Will there be school again? Will it always be virtual? What about friends? And then my own shit – how do I support others when I am in the same place of not-knowing-yet as events unfold in real-time? And where is my intuition in this? My gut says all will be well. But then you gut-check that sense of peace against news, against ‘friends’ on Facebook posting all kinds of craziness that links current events to unseen forces and you realize your brain is trying to process all of this with absolutely no schema for it, no frame of reference, no accurate precedent. The truth is that no one knows, including the conspiracy folks. Sorry, but they do not. At best we are looking into our crystal balls and feeling into what feels right and true at this time.

The best wisdom is likely your OWN. Your gut, your hunch. Your guiding light. I am reminded of the main message of one of my last journeys with Mother Ayahuasca last year, where she taught me “there is always another way.” No limitations, pure possibilities. Our minds tell us what the limits are. Keep breathing into the other ways this can go for you, for us. Maybe that makes you crazy, but maybe it makes you wise. I have never followed the other people. I have never been a popular kid, or gone with the status quo. Even now most of the parents of kids in my kids’ schools see me as an outlier. I like it that way. I am not the same. I stand out like a sore thumb. And that is in most cases because I don’t take their word for it. I don’t dance to their beat. I lean into life, dance with it, summon it, explore it. I live it and breathe it. I let go of fear a long time ago and it is not going to come back and be my roommate now. No vacancy for fear.

Following everyone else may buy you something but it won’t buy you peace. Follow your rhythm and trust its cadence. YOU are the result of thousands of years of love, struggle, war, peace, and triumph of the human essence. Live like it.

Quarantine like it.

Share information like it.

Behave like it.

Model peace like it.

Embody it.

Let’s show up in our individual best wisdom as a collective force that breathes together into a future that is yet unknown. But a future in which, there is always another way. Because there is, and this I know. For sure. I bet everything on it.

Amen, A’ho, So it is

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